I write this while sitting in traffic. Bad traffic. I can only assume someone is dead and the corpse is in the road and noone gives a shit enough to drag it to the gutter where it belongs, so everyone is just stopping to look. Every motherfucker in the city is trying to take this alternate route I’m on because the normal route has an accident too. I really think there should be bulldozers at every damned intersection to push the damaged vehicles and injured people to a more reasonable location than in the middle of the fucking road! I’m thinking toxic waste dumps full of caustic chemicals. If I am physically capable, my fucking car is gonna be out of traffic. Wait, nevermind, I just exited the traffic… Guess what it was? NOTHING! Fuck it, I’m out.
Apparently I frighten people. I don’t mean to, really… I’m just a scary guy, you know? I do have a tendency to forget to focus on things when I’m thinking, so sometimes people get the impression that I’m looking through them, not at them. I’ve best heard this one described as me being "empty" when I do it, which is fairly accurate… I spend large tracts of my time simply not thinking. I suppose that’s inaccurate, I am thinking, but it’s spacial thinking, I’m not thinking words or thoughts, just shapes. It happens most when I’m looking at something beautiful, maybe a tree or the moon. Today for instance, the moon could be seen during broad daylight, and I spent a solid five minutes just stareing and not thinking. Give it a shot, its more interesting than you think.
I haven’t updated in a good while, so I decided to do a little expos on the various things I like to drink. Some of these things might be a bit sophisticated for your tastes, so I recommend saving them for special occasions. You won’t regret drinking anything in this list, unless you’re a n00b.
What can I say about beer? It’s liquid bread. It lets everyone around know that you’ve been to at least one party and survived to tell the tale. Everyone’s impressed when you can drink lots of beer. There’s a social aspect to beer drinking that no other beverage can really compare to. A camaraderie, if you will. But what beer should you choose?
- Killian’s Irish Red
This should be your first choice whenever you’re out on the town drinking. The deep red color lets all the men around know you’re a ticking time bomb of hate, just waiting to explode… The full flavor and smooth taste let all the ladies know you’re a ticking time bomb of love, just waiting to show them how the world is from your side of the lust-fence.
If ever there was a beer worth drinking, this is it. This beer will grow hair on your tongue, turn you into a werewolf, and make every woman in a thirty foot radius die of sexual exhaustion. The ONLY problem with this beer, is that sometimes you just don’t want to look that bad ass in public. Hence the number two slot.
- Samuel Adams
This beer is just all around good. Worth drinking.
Yuengling isn’t a bad beer. It can often turn a shitty night of light hell into a nominally good night of yum. Great fall-back beer.
- **** Light
I don’t know why, but some places don’t carry beer that’s worth drinking. In that case, drink as the romans drink… Domestic.
Every once in a while, there’s a kegger and someone has this for free. Do not pay for this beer.
Wow, what a roundup… But what about when you want a more romantic evening?
Wine is delicious. It will get you fucked up with relatively little effort, and you don’t have to convince people to try it. This is the ultimate get someone drunk drink.
Sake is an invention of the Japanese. Those bastards sure know how to make an alcoholic beverage. This is the only alcoholic beverage that’s actually better served warm. No shit. Go to a sushi bar and see for yourself. Make it a high class one.
While not actually a wine per-se, Sangria is my favorite wine-based beverage. It’s easy to drink and can be made stronger with little noticeable flavor impairment through liberal application of booze.
When you need class and sophistication in your booze, this is it.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t drink much wine. Let me know what you like in a fine wine and I’ll annotate.
What can you say about whiskey that years and years of evolution hasn’t already told you? When you absolutely, positively, have to get drunk off your ass, accept no substitute.
- Black Bush
Black Bush is Bushmill’s top of the line Irish whiskey. Irish whiskey is not Kentucky Bourbon. Think of Irish whiskey as Kentucky’s best’s favorite Uncle. More fun than any adult rightfully should be. Irish whiskey is classic beyond compare and this is the best of the best.
- Gentleman Jack
This is the best Kentucky Bourbon you will ever put in your mouth, bar maybe the hundred year old bottle you get on your wedding day. A single sip is bliss. A gulp is pure ecstasy. Accept no whiskey related substitute.
- Jack Daniel’s No. 7
Jack is classic. You want whiskey, this is the name you think of. This guy and maybe his old pal…
- Jim Beam
Another classic way to erase your sorrows and blissfully enjoy the night. Don’t accept anything less.
- Calvert Extra
This is so generic I can’t even find a website for it. Drink at your own risk.
Mmm… Whiskey. Whiskey is by far my favorite drink.
Gin is a great drink, almost completely imperceptible in juice. Try it!
- Bombay Sapphire
This is the best gin on the market. Give it a shot if you don’t believe me. It’s damned good.
A close second. Tanqueray, despite Tony Sinclair, is actually very good. Drink heavily, avoid moderation.
- Seagram’s Lime Twisted Gin
Gin with a lime twist. Easy to drink, on the cheap!
The Gin family, while not my favorite, is timeless.
I wanted to cover the other major drinking groups (vodka, rum, cordials, etc.) but I really don’t care that much. Most of them suck, and the ones that don’t have proponents elsewhere. Anyway, enough of my tirade… Go forth, and get drunk my dear readers… With my advice in mind, you shall not regret it.
Last night I dreamt that I could sorta hover a little off the ground. It was purely accidental, I was just doing the fake hover thing where you stand on the toes of one foot while keeping the other right beside it perfectly level, so from one angle, you appear to float a couple inches off the ground. Well, when I did this, I lifted the other foot off the ground too and hovered just for a bit. In the dream, the power could only be manifested when other people believed it would happen, a sort of power would flow into me and reduce my weight to nothing. I’m gonna go try to do it for real now. Because I’m insane.
I’ve always had talents of the beer drinking variety… This is a video circa 2002 with me showing off. I’m much better at drinking now than I was way back then… This video makes me look pathetic.
More antics from the land of drunken nights… This time, our hero blows fire out his ass mouth. Everclear FTW!
Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FMv5xLxFLM
When she died, we had a funeral. The wind raged. Clouds covered the sky, but the light prevailed. No rain, no storm. I ask her why she makes the wind blow so strong. In response, the clouds part above me and I look into the sun. A disk, perhaps half the sun’s diameter blots it out, dead center. Far too small to be the moon, it passes swiftly, leaving the sun’s disc to shine in full glory once more. I think they’ve come to reclaim their dead. What a strange dream.