Category: Humor

On Lefties and Vegans

I often joke that I don’t trust Vegans or the Left-handed among us. That’s not exactly true. I have no problem with “Lefties” and in fact have many Left-handed friends. Most of them are creative, intelligent, and generally fun to be around. Not to mention the fact that Lefties have no choice in the matter. It’s genetic. When someone says “I only write with my left, everything else I do Right-handed,” what they really mean is “My parents ruined my life right up until I hit kindergarten and got to hold a pencil.” I feel bad for these Lefties, I do.

No, when I say that I don’t trust Lefties or Vegans, I’m really just including the Lefties so I don’t sound hateful, just silly. In actuality, I distrust only Vegans. Why, you ask? Because the way I see it, all life is just chemical stews that replicate themselves. That’s plants, bacteria, viruses, invertebrates, vertebrates, and everything in-between. I think a Vegan, who will eat a plant but not an animal, is a hypocrite. They’re the ones shaking your good hand while hiding the dagger in the other. In fact, the best defense against Vegans may very well be Left-handedness, because they’ll at least have that Sinister aspect down pat and will know instinctively how to defeat them.

Anyway, the best way I’ve found to defeat a Vegan is to tell them you had steak for every meal that day and feel great, then ask why they weigh less than 100 pounds and have dark circles under their eyes. Once you’ve set their rage-fires alight, you can just walk away, because they won’t have the energy to both be angry at you and punch you at the same time.

Man, that was just plain hateful. Deliciously hateful.