I got a bit hammered last night at the bar when the election results started rolling in, and when I learned that Thelma Drake, Republican, had won the House race here in my district of Virginia, I crafted a rather nasty drunken letter and sent it to her campaign mailbox.  I shall share said letter with you now.  Looking back on it, I may have gone a bit overboard, but the general theme is about right.

I feel that you won this election because of the abundance of uneducated elderly in this state.  It is because of you that I will be moving from this state as soon as possible.  Alas, there is no state in this union free from political insanity, so my only choice may be a foreign nation.  At the moment, I’m considering the Netherlands, but for the most part, any nation not linked so completely to Christian fundamentalism is sounding really good right now.  One should not get me wrong when I say this…  In no way do I feel that Christians are less worthy of my respect than Jewish, Muslim, or Atheist.  I do not however, feel that any one of these sects should be as influential in our national government as Christianity currently is.  The few are speaking for the many when we have psychotic overprotective parents dictating that we cannot have two homosexuals in a monogamous relationship on television.  I don’t know a SINGLE person who thinks that people should be discriminated against because of their sexual orientation.  Our children should be taught tolerance, not ignorance.  If I had a choice between letting my kids watch two human beings in a loving relationship enjoy the most basic of human pleasures and someone kill another innocent human being, I would choose the "pornographic material" every time.  You’re a sick individual, and every person I’ve spoken to who wanted me to vote for you was as twisted as you are.  Resign.

Virginia is more religiously orthodox than the middle east now.

Brandon Whaley
Virginia Resident
Atheist, and no longer proud to be an American

How’s about them apples?

Do I scare you?

Apparently I frighten people.  I don’t mean to, really…  I’m just a scary guy, you know?  I do have a tendency to forget to focus on things when I’m thinking, so sometimes people get the impression that I’m looking through them, not at them.  I’ve best heard this one described as me being "empty" when I do it, which is fairly accurate…  I spend large tracts of my time simply not thinking.  I suppose that’s inaccurate, I am thinking, but it’s spacial thinking, I’m not thinking words or thoughts, just shapes.  It happens most when I’m looking at something beautiful, maybe a tree or the moon.  Today for instance, the moon could be seen during broad daylight, and I spent a solid five minutes just stareing and not thinking.  Give it a shot, its more interesting than you think.

What to drink?

I haven’t updated in a good while, so I decided to do a little expos on the various things I like to drink.  Some of these things might be a bit sophisticated for your tastes, so I recommend saving them for special occasions.  You won’t regret drinking anything in this list, unless you’re a n00b.

What can I say about beer?  It’s liquid bread.  It lets everyone around know that you’ve been to at least one party and survived to tell the tale.  Everyone’s impressed when you can drink lots of beer.  There’s a social aspect to beer drinking that no other beverage can really compare to.  A camaraderie, if you will.  But what beer should you choose?

  1. Killian’s Irish Red
    This should be your first choice whenever you’re out on the town drinking.  The deep red color lets all the men around know you’re a ticking time bomb of hate, just waiting to explode…  The full flavor and smooth taste let all the ladies know you’re a ticking time bomb of love, just waiting to show them how the world is from your side of the lust-fence.
  2. Guinness
    If ever there was a beer worth drinking, this is it.  This beer will grow hair on your tongue, turn you into a werewolf, and make every woman in a thirty foot radius die of sexual exhaustion.  The ONLY problem with this beer, is that sometimes you just don’t want to look that bad ass in public.  Hence the number two slot.
  3. Samuel Adams
    This beer is just all around good.  Worth drinking.
  4. Yuengling
    Yuengling isn’t a bad beer.  It can often turn a shitty night of light hell into a nominally good night of yum.  Great fall-back beer.
  5. **** Light
    I don’t know why, but some places don’t carry beer that’s worth drinking.  In that case, drink as the romans drink…  Domestic.
  6. Natty/Beast
    Every once in a while, there’s a kegger and someone has this for free.  Do not pay for this beer.

Wow, what a roundup…  But what about when you want a more romantic evening?

Wine is delicious.  It will get you fucked up with relatively little effort, and you don’t have to convince people to try it.  This is the ultimate get someone drunk drink.

  1. Sake!
    Sake is an invention of the Japanese.  Those bastards sure know how to make an alcoholic beverage.  This is the only alcoholic beverage that’s actually better served warm.  No shit.  Go to a sushi bar and see for yourself.  Make it a high class one.
  2. Sangria
    While not actually a wine per-se, Sangria is my favorite wine-based beverage.  It’s easy to drink and can be made stronger with little noticeable flavor impairment through liberal application of booze.
  3. Merlot
    When you need class and sophistication in your booze, this is it.
  4. ???
    To be perfectly honest, I don’t drink much wine.  Let me know what you like in a fine wine and I’ll annotate.

What can you say about whiskey that years and years of evolution hasn’t already told you?  When you absolutely, positively, have to get drunk off your ass, accept no substitute.

  1. Black Bush
    Black Bush is Bushmill’s top of the line Irish whiskey.  Irish whiskey is not Kentucky Bourbon.  Think of Irish whiskey as Kentucky’s best’s favorite Uncle.  More fun than any adult rightfully should be.  Irish whiskey is classic beyond compare and this is the best of the best.
  2. Gentleman Jack
    This is the best Kentucky Bourbon you will ever put in your mouth, bar maybe the hundred year old bottle you get on your wedding day.  A single sip is bliss.  A gulp is pure ecstasy.  Accept no whiskey related substitute.
  3. Jack Daniel’s No. 7
    Jack is classic.  You want whiskey, this is the name you think of.  This guy and maybe his old pal…
  4. Jim Beam
    Another classic way to erase your sorrows and blissfully enjoy the night.  Don’t accept anything less.
  5. Calvert Extra
    This is so generic I can’t even find a website for it.  Drink at your own risk.

Mmm…  Whiskey.  Whiskey is by far my favorite drink.

Gin is a great drink, almost completely imperceptible in juice.  Try it!

  1. Bombay Sapphire
    This is the best gin on the market.  Give it a shot if you don’t believe me.  It’s damned good.
  2. Tanqueray
    A close second.  Tanqueray, despite Tony Sinclair, is actually very good.  Drink heavily, avoid moderation.
  3. Seagram’s Lime Twisted Gin
    Gin with a lime twist.  Easy to drink, on the cheap!

The Gin family, while not my favorite, is timeless.

I wanted to cover the other major drinking groups (vodka, rum, cordials, etc.) but I really don’t care that much.  Most of them suck, and the ones that don’t have proponents elsewhere.  Anyway, enough of my tirade…  Go forth, and get drunk my dear readers…  With my advice in mind, you shall not regret it.

What is in a name?

When I was around 13-14, I was playing a LAN game of "Quake" with a friend I used to write programs with.  At the time our in-game aliases were "Brandon" and "David".  At some point we came upon a mod for the game that caused blood to splatter on the walls when someone was shot.  After a particularly violent attack with a rocket launcher, all that was left of David was a particularly fancy splatter of blood on the wall.  I remarked that it looked like something of a Picasso.  I changed my alias then to "RedPicasso".

Fast forward to around the time of my 15th birthday.  Me, my brother, and our two friends from down the street formed a clan in a then-new game called "Counter-Strike".  Our theme was the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse…  Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War.  I was given War, though not for any particular reason, I just liked it.

Another few years pass, I’m in late high school and taking my fourth year of German.  War was so common a name on the internet, so I’d stuck with RedPicasso (still my AIM screen name) throughout.  At some point I got tired of people asking if I compared myself to Picasso artistically, as I really have no skill, so a change was in order.  I chose to combine the two names, trying on RedWar for size.  Well, it was neat and all, but didn’t have that feeling I wanted in a name.  Something definitively me.  I decided to use the german equivalent "RotKrieg".  Yeah, that lasted  until about 45 seconds after I told the first person and they said, "Like butt rot?"

So, I took the best aspects of each name, Red and Krieg and since about 5 years ago, RedKrieg has been my alter-ego of sorts.  Friends with whom I forged a relationship online before meeting them usually call me Red when we meet in person, and I’ve been RedKrieg so long its as natural as my real name.

The Gaskets

I’m at the 21st St Fish House in Norfolk, VA about to watch The Gaskets play.  They’re most certainly my favorite band, and the fact that I’ve hung out with them in a very personal setting only perpetuates their badassitude.  Misfortunately, my current archnemeses are on their way here, so this night may not turn out as well as it should, but at least I got to chill with the band before the show, so fuck all else.  The Others come hither.  I retreat.